the Worldwide Leader in Forbidden Dancing (and Other Stuff)

Where are the Sklaar Brothers when you need them?

What is this, 1982? Airing right now on ESPN2–the famous sports network–is the World Salsa Championships. When I saw “Salsa Champ.” as the description on my cable guide, for a moment I hoped it meant there was a salsa-eating competition going on. The winner would surely get an ice pack and a roll of Charmin Ultra for his trouble. And nothing gets me going like watching Kobayashi projectile vomit chunky red stuff. It reminds me of bad Japanese horror films, even though I haven’t really seen any.

But my worst fears were confirmed when it turned out to be a salsa dancing competition. Oh, how I wish I was joking. In the early days of ESPN, this type of fare was not unlikely on their virgin airwaves. But with all the archives and access they have at their hands in 2008, you would figure they were ready to move past this brand of “entertainment”. Now we are going to have to hear sportscasters argue over whether salsa dancing is a sport, as if there was ever any question. (Of course it is!)

Unfortunately, this appears to only be the beginning. Executives of the ultimate sports network have announced the launch of ESPN-NSAA (Not Sports At All), a new sister network that will begin production in the summer of 2010.

Here are a few of the events they are thinking of including on the initial lineup:

Major League Moonwalking with host Macaulay Caulkin, who wasn’t doing anything anyway– Contestants will slide their feet to the funky sounds of Michael Jackson, but once a night, each lucky moonwalker will be thrown for a loop when a speed metal, polka or acid jazz song is tossed into the mix to throw them off. The final champion will get a free months stay at the Neverland Valley Ranch and their own pet monkey.

Drunk Trick Derby starring and inspired by Winona Ryder and her famous ping pong ball trick– Sluts and jocks from around the country will meet at various Hooters locations and compete in such events as tongue-tied cherry stems, beer pong, drunken digit-gathering and “how long will it take this chick to figure out my wang is hanging out?” The male and female winners will hook up together and the first one to call the other for a booty call will lose. The overall winner will get free rehab. Ryder herself is a favorite to take home the prize.

The first contestant to make it through all 26 miles of the Treadmill Marathon without vomiting will get smacked in the back of the neck with a Shake-Weight for going through with something so stupid.

The Gleek Games is a pretty simple premise. A bunch of bored couch potatoes will disgustingly force their saliva onto dart boards, playing by International Cricket Committee rules, of course. The first person to complete their cricket boards will receive an occupation. The event will be hosted by Michael McDonald, who is famous for songs such as “Through the Eyes of a Child” and “Fuckin’ a Right, I Bring That Funky Funk, You Mothafunker” and also for accidentally spitting up saliva and/or food particles during every live number I’ve ever seen him perform.

The Great American Crotch-Grabbing Championship is pretty self-explanitory. Host Roseanne Barr will coach competitors on how to perform the main event and also preliminary round exhibitions like sunflower seed-spitting and national anthem-butchering.

Swanson’s Hungry Man Slacker Triathlon is perhaps the biggest draw. Contestants will be scored cumulatively on three events: Tether ball, frisbee and hacky sack. Unlimited munchies and Mountain Dew will be on hand and naps and/or bad television viewing will be allowed in between each event. There is a good chance that no competitor will make it through all 3 categories. But if more than one does, the one who does it in the fastest time will win a year supply of White Castle burgers and an appearance in the next Harold & Kumar film. Possible hosts include Steve Zahn, Tommy Chong, Beck Hansen and Regis Philbin.

The Stanley Cup is pretty awesome, but winners of the Cherry Dish will also have something to be proud of. Winners of the National Air Hockey League Finals will take home the esteemed trophy. Colorful Canadian commentator Don Cherry will host.

Finally, fans of board games will be delighted to know that there will most likely be a Connect Four tourney, as well, hosted by delightful Major League Baseball player Milton Bradley. Whomever takes home the grand prize gets hundreds of free games and will also be the only contestant not to get beaten to a bloody pulp by Mr. Bradley.

While most fans of traditional sports will avoid this network at all costs, I imagine many of them will secretly grow to love this new channel. I mean hey, who knew the Food Network would last this long? Only time will tell whether or not ESPN-NSAA will bring to us the next Emeril Legasse or simply the next Screech Powers. Stay tuned.

BONUS TRACK:
They’re still trying to find the perfect name for this event: